He Said, She Said

He Said She...

Better than Honor

When I first asked her to join me in writing about virgintiy, I secretly hoped she'd ask me "who's virginity: the man, the woman or society's?". Unfortunately, however, she immediately started to touch herself as if what she was feeling embodied the very essence of the topic I had addressed. So I wouldn't count, very much if I were you, on the ability of any woman to change her daughter's views on the subject even if she claimed she could do so.

Let me just start by confessing my bias towards women with regard to this subject so my words don't get labeled as rit rat under the many struggles between men and women. And that I don't see that the hymen, despite it's importance, represents honor and purity. On the contrary, I believe that the biggest mistake our society ever made was its emphasis on tying honor to this thin film and not on lying, deceiving or stealing. So in a matter of words, a girl can do anything with her body on the condition that she guard this treasure to remain honorable in the eyes of her husband and society.

I don't recall in my childhood that my father ever told me not to touch a girl or that a certain part of my body was sacred and that if a girl indeed touched it I would become without honor. My mother, on the other hand, used to tell me "men don't cry and that a man should take care of his sisters so that noone would talk to them or harass them". I even remember the proud looks I would get, even from my sisters, if I returned from school with a story about a girl I liked.

In contrast to this, was my parents behaviour with my sisters, outings were forbidden, short dresses were fobidden as was loud laughter. They were also, of course, forbidden from reading romantic novels, eventhough they remained to do so secretly. Would you still blame me, as a man, that I insist on my wife being a virgin

This society that talks so much of honor does not practice it. Honor does not differentiate between man and woman as does religion. Honor should be one to all. This society that feasts on corruption, that robs banks and celebrates dancers should not constrict or bind honor to this delicate part of such a vulnerable creature.

Yes, we live in a male-dominated society that is blessed by women that are mothers or girls wishing to marry men with experiences not realising that they are unhonorable because of them. We obviously can not introduce the concept of respect to the meaning of honor till women stop demeaning themselves by posing their bodies naked on tv , in videoclips and on street corners. When they realize that their bodies like their minds and virginities deserve to be sanctified and respected and that only men with similarily guarded bodies, minds and virginities would be worthy of their honor. When we reach that stage, where women and men alike and society as a whole regard virginity similarily, only then will honor have a bigger and better meaning than binding it to a tiny part of a helpless girl's body.

Khairy Ramadan

She Said He...

A couple of weeks ago I had a meeting with the "He" of "He said ... She said" to choose some interesting topics to discuss in our regular columns. Can you guess what the first topic "He " picked was? It was Virginity. I think that his choice of this topic, especially being the first, reflects just how important this idea is to him and other men. In our society, men claim to be broad and open minded and they claim that their look at women and her role in life has changed, but when it comes to real life the old way of thinking still controls male actions. I, on the other hand, will try to explain to you more about this sensitive issue from a woman's point of view.

Since childhood, girls are always asked to take care of themselves while playing, and these precautions were very blurred to us as to why and what was so precious in our bodies that we should take care of so much? Many questions crossed our minds but no clear answers were given. But we followed these instructions any way in order not to be punished. Reaching adolescence mothers explained to us about virginity and the importance of this very soft and thin membrane. How it was the only indication that a girl was polite, decent and respectful. So the precautions and warning were more intense. Virginity was a treasure that we girls were to guard day and night till our wedding day.

The older we grew, and the closer to marriage we got, the more we paniced about this instant bomb inside our bodies. These exaggerations about this membrane being intact pushed us to a world of dreams or actually nightmares. Many girls actually feared losing their virginity to falling, excersing or playing tough sports or simply from wearing tight pants. These were all false of course. We start to imagine how any husband would react to such a discovery and if he would still believe that she was polite and decent and that she had never been touched by a man. Would he trust her words or would it be just shame for her and her family from them on? This is basically how girls live in fear day in and day out just for being a girl and having this membrane.

But with the constant changes that our society experiences, virginity has not become a problem anymore as solutions have been found to this problem. A very easy and safe operation can return any girl her virginity even if she had a complete physical relationship with a man before. Tell me this though ... what about the purity of mind, thoughts, and spirit. Is it really important that a girl have this membrane to prove her decency? ( whether it is originally hers or not ) even if her mind has all it needs to make her a bad woman. I ask my fellow writer, would you prefer to get married to a polite and respectful woman who unfortunately lost her virginity for some reason, but was clear with you from the start or would you still prefer to marry a virgin who may have been through a lot but was lucky enough to be able to hide it before marriage and deceive you forever?!

From here on and being a mother of two girls, I assure you that I will not let my girls live in this continuous fear of being a girl. I will use the time a mom usually takes to warn her girls and teach them more about purity, love, decency and the value of marriage and family. I will teach them how it is important for every girl to respect herself, her family, her body and before all respect her religion.

Finally I would like to add that "virginity " is just a status which can even end sometimes against a woman's will, but the values, the purity and the behavior are all characteristics that noone can take from another person.