How To Be Sexy


So this week I have been trying to figure out something that I think every man in the world would like to know. It was my hope to finally explain one of the great mysteries of the universe in under 500 words or less.

The great profound mystery is what women find sexy.

The women reading this are laughing quietly to themselves because they know exactly what it is and do not understand what the great mystery is. Every man reading this has put down his coffee and is paying very close attention. VERY close attention.

Millions of dollars are spent each and every year by men so that they can become irresistible to women. It does not matter if it is a subscription to Men's Health which promises a solution in 5 easy steps or some random online ad that promises to "enhance" any short comings. Men want to be irresistible to women. Men want to be the alpha male.

Last night I was sitting with a woman and a man walked by us and as she looked up at him and I watched as this beautiful, strong, intelligent woman literally melted in front of my eyes! I have heard the term "melting" before but I have never actually witnessed it firsthand. Her eyes softened, her smile brightened, her back arched ever so slightly and a wave of energy shot out of the core of her being in every direction. I watched this grown woman turn into a 13 year old school girl and all that she did NOT do was giggle and run away with her friends. (What she did do was shoot this guy a seductive look that even though I was only on the sidelines I felt the power of the look. Wow!)

There is not a man alive that does not want to have that kind of effect on women. If I guy tells you he is not interested then he is lying. I am going to start a series on what women find sexy and hopefully over the next few articles I will be able to shed some light on the subject. So not to leave you hanging I will tell you the first secret that is possibly the most frustrating and the most rewarding at the same time. Here is the first big secret of what women find sexy:

Every woman has a completely different set of factors that equates to "sexy".

The reason why this is frustrating is that when you walk into a bar or coffee shop and look around at the room you are looking at a dozen women who will love you and be repelled by you for the very same reason. The jeans that one girl convinced you to buy will make you look ridiculous to another. There is simply no way of knowing what the woman you are getting ready to step up to is thinking. Each women has a list, but each list is SO different that you will drive yourself crazy trying to understand it.

One woman I spoke with said the guy had to be "lickable" and another simply said "Money". Another said "Hands" and many said "shoes" but what kind of shoes was different with each woman. There is simply no way of knowing what they will find attractive when you first meet.

So the more effort you spend trying to dress or act sexy the more energy you are wasting because you simply do not have a clue what they will respond to. The good news is this. You don't have to dress up if YOU don't want to. Dress and act as close to who you really are. You should project the person you are with the way you dress, groom, and carry yourself.

If you're a hippie grow out those dreads and sport sandals 24/7. If you're a yuppie then drop mad cash on suits and show up pressed and polished. You see it does not matter what they are thinking because there is no way to know up front. Learn who YOU are and then present that person. Trust me that this will make everything easier because the women that find you attractive will be attracted to you and not some silly costume you put on.

That is the easy part. You see each and every woman as a list that they are looking for in order to be INITIALLY attracted to a guy. However, even if you score 100% on the list she will toss you and the list out in a heart beat if you do not know how to maintain sexiness.

How you do that I will leave for next time


In the last article I put it out there that every woman has a list of what they find sexy and before you ever speak to them you have been pre-judged. Since there is no way of knowing what is on the list then it is futile to try and adapt who you are to fit into the ever changing "list" of what is sexy.

Guys at this stage of the game do not think that it is any different than what you go through when you first see a woman. We all make judgments on someone before they ever open their mouth or say word one. At first we all want the person that has the body and face of a model and that is what the first list is all about; how a person looks. The first list is important, but the difference between men and women is how long that initial list is kept in play.

If a guy meets a girl the night before he will tell his friends about how hot she was. Nothing more is asked and nothing more given. She was hot, we punch fists, and we move on. Women will say something like "he was SO sweet" and then her girlfriends lean in close and they begin to break down the man in such detail it would make a particle physicist proud. It's not that women do not have the same list that we do, but they will throw that list out for the right guy and move on to a second list which is ultimately more important. If you're a woman and you do not know about the second list I would be willing to bet you are under the age of twenty five.

The reason why the first list, which is mainly concerned with looks, is discarded is that the second list is ultimately more profound. The second list includes things like being moved emotionally, intellectually, and spiritually. Women over the age of twenty five held on to the first list long enough to realize that the first list has nothing to do with the second list. They want to meet someone that can fulfill both lists, but if they find a guy that can fulfill the second list completely and miss a few points on the first list, then the first list is forgotten. (I know that was a confusing sentence but stick with me.)

I realize that this sounds like a compromise, but the fact of the matter is that if you compromise the second list the first list will not matter. Think about it: How many times have you gone out with the guy that met everything on your first list, but nothing on the second list, and wondered what went wrong? The first list, the list that defines how a man should "look" is something that will only last a short time. If he is a jerk, or distant, or ignorant; doesn't really matter how good looking he is? If he is all those things do you really still find him sexy?

What women over the age of twenty five have learned is that the true nature of a man's sexiness comes from within and the qualities on the second list will make him sexy to you for years to come. Let's face it ladies if he can move you in a deep and profound way then Macy's is open until 9:00pm to take care of the rest. Seriously. I can not tell you the number of men who show up after dating a woman for a short time with a new haircut, a new shirt, and suddenly the other women who never gave the guy the time of day are wondering where she found him. He was right in front of them the whole time, but she looked deeper, she allowed him to move her with who he was at his core. She was moved by his true long term sexiness.

This is why we get so confused about "What Sexy Is". Most men would never dream of meeting a woman and then go back and talk to his friends and plot out her new wardrobe. Yet women, over the age of twenty five, do this all the time. They do this not because they are not turned on by the guy and not because they do not find him sexy. They do this because if a man can fulfill every item on the second list then the first list will come naturally. It does not work in reverse. If a man does not have character you can not find some at the mall and give it to him for his birthday. If he does not have character, well, he just doesn't.

That is the most important difference between the first list and the second list. While the first list is about looks, the second list relates to core nature of the man. The first list is who a man is. The second list is who he will become. This is why women under twenty five are looking for the first list. They aren't really thinking about the future yet. They are looking to be with a guy who looks good and is fun to be with. Something happens to a woman when she reaches twenty five though. Suddenly the guys that look good but treat women poorly lose their appeal. They start looking at that second list and thinking about it real hard. They start thinking about what they can become with the person and not just what they will do that weekend.

Unfortunately, men do not reach this stage until after thirty five, if ever.

So the question I get all the time is if it is possible to keep the heat in a long term relationship? It is and I will go into that next time. Stay tuned.


So in the first part of this series we talked about when you try to meet someone new you are up against a internal list this person is carrying around that defines who they are initially attracted to. This initial attraction of what color hair, what body type, and physical appearance is something I call the first list.

In the second part of this series we explored the second list. This is a list relates more to character rather than looks. Women in many cases will throw out the first list, or at least many parts of it, in order to fulfill all aspects of the second list. This is not a compromise in any way because if a guy is hot but has the personality of a wet stump what's the point?

Tonight I want to go one step further and talk about how to remain sexy.

We all get into relationship mode and stop paying attention. When we are first dating there is all of this extra energy flying around the room and we love every little detail about the other person. It is sickening and wonderful at the same time. After a while the fact that she is wearing a thong does very little for you. His smell, y'now the one that used to intoxicated you, is reduced to something you want to spray with Frebreze. It may take a month, or it may take a year but odds are you will eventually arrive in dry dock.

In order to maintain sexiness or attraction over any period of time you have to work on yourself, not the other person. If you work on that core person within a relationship as much as you did when you were single then the other person will remain attracted to you because they are seeing where true sexiness comes from: Your Core Being.

This is why the second list is so important. The second list is nothing more than a small glimpse or small desires of the core being that they are looking for. The second list reminds me of a joke I heard a long time ago. One night the lights went out in my house. After a while I really got hungry but because it was so pitch black I could not find anything in the fridge. The only thing I could find was my camera. Two months later I was shocked when I picked up my film and saw 300 pictures of myself making a sandwich.

You see the second list is like a snapshot of the bigger picture. Only time will reveal the whole core being of a person and we will only get one small glimpse at a time. The good news is the closer we can get to our core being and the more reveal our true core than the sexier we will remain in our relationships.

This is why it is so key for you not to pretend to be someone you are not when you are looking for someone. When you get into the relationship it is the learning and understanding of the others core being that will maintain a level of heat. If you are pretending to be someone you are not then the things the other found sexy may not exist. After all the chemicals stop flowing you are left with an illusion of something that never existed.

Imagine it like this. Let's say you step up to the girl and spit some game about you being a particle physicist for Lawrence Livermore Labs. She likes that because she is a sucker for the nerd herd and big brains really do it for her. The problem is you are in reality a shepherd. You know nothing about particle physics, but who really wants to date a shepherd in this day and age? After a week of seeing this woman and pretending to be this other person you are not you finally meet her parents. You find out that the reason she is all hot for the nerd herd is because her father wrote the definitive paper on Quantum Physics. She is really excited for you to meet her parents so you can exchange long mathematic theorems. You're screwed.

If you really were the person you said you were then she would find you even more sexy than before because as she watched you step into your core being she would get another glimpse of who you really are. She would get a snapshot of your core being and would want to know more.

So you will hear things like your core being is just like the core of the earth, it is where the heat lives. While that is true I think the reason why is because people are complicated. It takes a long time to really get to know a person. Learning about someone and who they are in their core one snapshot at a time is a long term mystery. It is something that you have to pay attention to. It is something you have to really want to know. Once you start to explore and put the snapshots together it becomes more and more interesting. The more and more you see and the more and more you like the more you will want to see.

On the other hand the more and more you see and the less and less you like then you know that it may be time to call it quits. Either way the key is to pay attention.

You see in the end maintaining sexiness comes down to two things. The first is to pay attention to your own core being, who you REALLY are. The second is the desire to see and understand the other persons core being with crystal clarity one snapshot at a time. If you do this then the great mystery of the other person will keep you together for a long time.

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